Necktie Abuse (Adventures on High Street)

  Be far from it for me to discourage creativity, especially when experimenting within the myriad offerings of the British High Street, but some things need to be considered inviolable, in the name of not looking like an idiot if nothing else

   Exhibit A: sporting a bow tie on a recent visit to Uniqlo begat a conversation with an enthusiastic young salesman in a hipsterish uniform of plaid shirt, jeans and braces. We exchanged friendly, if perfunctory, insights about menswear, such as ongoing preparations for the incoming season (bright accents on duller palettes, the apparent return of corduroy jackets, and fair isle vs. argyle, in case one's wondering). He offers that bow ties are too old fashioned for him. I don't mind because I'm fairly certain he'd simply buy clip-ons if he was so inclined. It's his next pronouncement that reminds me that we're only conversing because he has the capacity to work the buttons at a till*:

"I like to use regular ties like bow ties. Have you ever tried it? You just tie it up and it just sits across your collar like a shoelace"

'So that's how those Face Hunter kids are doing it,' I think. I respond:

"That just seems excessive. It's also likely to damage the tie. Why not wear a bolo tie?"

"What's a bolo tie?"

"...Thanks - gotta run!"

   Even to me, the fact that my first reaction was to stifle laughter and my second was to avoid a double-take appears childish. And considering my own penchant for offbeat and non-traditional uses of accessories, I should have admired his gumption. But I couldn't. Because his ingenuity seemed misplaced where it should have been clever. Neckties aren't generally built for such use - their very design and proportions go against it. The wonky, stringy mess of silk and pattern his iconoclasm conjured up in my mind was second to the fantasy image of Dali productions created after a 96 hour crack binge that was followed with a ketamine chaser

   Funnily enough, I haven't seen the guy since

  Exhibit B: while I don't want Gok Wan's job for love nor money (alright, I'd like the money), I was approached by a fellow in H&M as he closely scrutinised his own appearance in the mirror. He was sporting one of the new season's TREND(Y) print shirts with the same line's Dries Van Noten-esque jacket currently on sale as a suit separate and for whatever reason, he wished to benefit from my wisdom. I told him he was making a mistake. Actually, two. The first was in thinking me to be wise. The second was the silver skinny tie that adorned his neck like a Junk de Luxe cast-off faux cravat. But he was not to be put off. And in my head I heard two words: "Diplomacy Time"

   The upshot was that the intrepid shopper left the store with the jacket and shirt in the correct size - for what it's worth, both suited him well, unlike myself - the conviction that he should cut open the jacket vents when he reached home, and the persistent notion that he should buy a nice scarf with which to decorate his neck because what did a tie ever do to him?

   I should have charged a fee


   * I actually wish I could work a till. It's not like I'm doing much better