Doctorin' The Penzance - Colin Baker Sings Gilbert and Sullivan

As special as this ditty is, I still wonder if there exists a disclaimer apologising to Messrs G & S somewhere. I may come to like this as much as the Animaniacs parody

No other words are necessary. Except for these:

I-iiiiiiiii--am the very model of a Gallifreyan Buccaneer.
I've information on all things a Gallifreyan holds most dear.
I've linked into the Matrix through its exitonic circuitry,
I understand dimensional and relative chronometry.
I'm very well acquainted too with matters of the Capitol,
I'll give you verse and chapter on Panopticonian protocol,
I've been into the Death Zone and I've played the Game of Rassilon--
(Rassilon? Assilon, Bassilon-- ah ha!)
With pestilential monsters that I got a lot of hassle from!

[With pestilential monsters that he got a lot of hassle from!
With pestilential monsters that he got a lot of hassle from!!
With pestilential monsters that he got a lot of hassle-assle from!!!]

I understand each language and I speak every vernacular.
I'll conjugate each verb obscure, decline each line irregular.
In short in every matter that a Gallifreyan holds most dear,
I am the very model of a Gallifreyan Buccaneer.

[In short in every matter that a Gallifreyan holds most dear,
he is the very model of a Gallifreyan Buccaneer!]

I've tackled shady Castellans with devious behavior.
I've sparred with Time Lord chancellors like Thalia, Goth or Flavia.
In fact on some occasions I've held office Presidentally,
'though maybe I won't mention I was ousted out eventually.

I know just how it feels to be a wanted man and on the run,
but wouldn't leave the carefree buccaneering life for anyone.
Though sometimes my adventures seem absurdly operatical--
(Operatical? Hatical... patical-- ah ha!)
With ups and down and twists and turns and incidents fanatical.

[With ups and down and twists and turns and incidents fanatical!
With ups and down and twists and turns and incidents fanatical!!
With ups and down and twists and turns and incidents fanatical!!!]

I've sailed the seven seas of Earth and all the oceans of the Moon,
my trusty true Type-40 is my Gallifreyan picaroon.
But is this really what the average Gallifreyan holds most dear?
I wonder what they think about this Gallifreyan Buccaneer.

[But is this really what the average Gallifreyan holds most dear!
We wonder what they think about this Gallifreyan Buccaneer!]

But....
I've defeated evil robots such as Daleks, Quarks, and Cybermen.
I've overthrown dictators from Tobias Vaughn to Mavic Chen.
I've rescued helpless maidens from the devestating Viking hordes.
Vanquished Autons.... Axons... Daemons... Krotons.... Monoids, Vampires, Voords.
I've liberated planets and delivered them from total war.
Saved Earth, Manussa, Dulkis, Skonnos, Earth, Tigella, Earth once more.
In short I know I am the truest Rassilonian legate
(Legate? Decate...Hecate...Hecate?? Mm. Not sure if that's canonical. Ah ha, I have it!)
And so to Time Lords all I say remember me to Gallifrey!

[A sentiment we all agree, remember him to Gallifrey!
A sentiment we all agree, remember him to Gallifrey!!
A sentiment we all agree, remember him to Galli-gallifrey!!]

I'm not content to just observe, I am a bold adventurer.
Though other Time Lords mock this Gallifreyan interventioner.
I know in every matter that a Time Lord really should hold dear
I am the very model of a Gallifreyan Buccaneer.

[We know in every matter that a Time Lord really should hold dear,
He is the very model of a Gallifreyan Buccaneer!]

The Faculty, Or, "... But I Play One on TV"

I don't know who devised this, but s/he may now be a new favourite human of mine

Pop Culture Thumbs-Up - 13/05/09

   Heavy dataflow - the gynoid (that's a robot in female form, kids) that's begun educating the youth of Japan is capable of six basic emotions, including anger and disgust. And will probably give birth to Skynet somewhere down the line

   As Star Trek returns to our screens this month, I think it's only right that we hear from its most iconic alien and how he felt about returning to the series. You will believe a Vulcan can cry

   Cheers and Frasier's delectable snark goddess Bebe Neuwirth as Morticia in a Broadway production of The Addams Family? I should emigrate

   Not entirely cultural, but Greece have stepped up to ban Google Street View. I applaud the progressiveness of the service, but hate that it now takes the fun out of my imagining myself as a little dot on a large map

   And I've finally written an article for MensFlair. Now all I have to do is try and keep it up

On The Street - That Waistline!

   For Fiona, who's always been curious about Ghanaian street fashion. And for me, who's always in need of nipple warming techniques

Song Obsession: Timothy Victor - 'Ass2Ass' (A Requiem For a Universal Dream)

   I make no claims on being a classy man, so when I state that I unironically watched most episodes of the third series of e4's Skins, a paean to the teenage angst that apparently runs through the souls of Bristolians aged 13 - 19 with the unrelentingness of a six foot long hose through one's lower intestine*, it's because it's the truth. I was curious, I really had little better to do, and if my love for symphonic orchestra performances at the Royal Festival Hall cannot coexist with my appetite for lowbrow televisual delights or chart music, then why live? And that brings me to 'Ass2Ass'

   There was pretty much one real highlight of the recently concluded series - two, if you count the performance of angsty-but-coping Kathryn Prescott aka "Gay Twin" Emily, who gets props for possessing better taste in music than her sister Megan. While I'm certain that the trials of tribulations of a teenage lesbian in love have been blessed with better portrayals (based on no research whatsoever), Emily benefited from having a hateful, controlling, shallow and possibly homophobic twin sister in Katie that resulted in her looking better by comparison, but Prescott was consistent in her characterisation and performance, distinguishing herself with strength of character to belie her vulnerabilities and fears and being one of the very few of the show's personalities to lack a core of narcissism. Her ability to give and receive kindness was distinct from most of the rest because Prescott made it believable that she was a girl worth cherishing. She probably had the happiest ending of all the main story threads - until next year

   Allow me to drift back to the point. 'Ass2Ass', from the 4th episode, is the centrepiece at a series of satirical shots of reality pop competition shows, with the blatant cod-soft porn antics of girl group Da Sexxbombz only one element. Boasting Popstars: The Rivals and Girls Aloud runner-up, failed solo singer (but for a euphoric collaboration with Richard X) and infamous home-wrecker Javine Hylton in an oh-so-meta appearance, the group was on the hunt for a new member and their schtick, as portrayed onscreen, owes far more to the Prince-directed frolics of Vanity 6 - lingerie, innuendo, sex songs - than the generally implied sexuality of the contemporary scene. Gratefully, rather than solely make obvious cracks about the superficiality and exploitation of such entertainment, supporting character and contestant Karen was relatively complicit, using her tale of a dead mother to further her voter base. Focusing on the media-friendly backstory element all such contestants seem to possess in our world gave the episode more of a unique slant and gave consideration to how all encompassing a desire to be famous can be used to dishonour a memory (even Karen's father had no qualms about this vulgar invocation of his dead wife)

   Anyway, 'Ass2Ass' is just another piece of the referential whole (incidentally, other Da Sexxbombz tracks include 'Rim Licking' and 'Juicing Down'). It's musically based on Britney's 'Piece of Me' (a song that's unapologetically about the tabloid antics of its world famous performer, gossip fixture and singer of the good clean fun of 'If You See(k) Amy'), right down to the vocoder, minimal synth bass and sampled ecstatic moans, and in performance, the bodypopping, crop haired "backing singer" is straight out of the video to Fedde Le Grand's 'Let Me Think About It'. And taking its title from a pivotal scene of a movie that got the juices of a million film students flowing does make an extra effort to layer the shout-outs. The song works because it has one thing going for it - it was clearly written with the mind of a schoolboy for the minds of actual schoolboys (and overgrown ones, in my case) - and this one thing leads to other things - catchiness, infectious glee, knowing winks and, in the episode, better dancing than Vanity 6 ever managed. And they even went to the effort of a full-length, ready for pirate radio production

   Get it here (yes, I went there)

* Also stolen from a television show - my favourite, in fact. If you know which one, I have an opening for a new BFF. And that's another rephrasing in the making